Reflections and Intentions

Last week started as a year in review. A week dedicated to reflecting on the past year and setting intentions for the year ahead. What were the lessons learned in the last 12 months and how will I maximize the growth I acquired? Where were my strengths, my weaknesses and how can I use that knowledge to my advantage? How successful was I at attaining the goals set a year ago?  

You know, the usually New Year routine…

I went into the Monday after New Year’s Day determined to plant myself at my desk and manifest the crap out of the coming year. Although fierce in my conviction to tackle my annual new year task, I was physically and mentally drained at the completion of a busy holiday season. A season that bore some resemblance of normalcy with a generous dose of nothing-has-really-changed. As I willed myself into my reflection, I became increasingly discouraged to still be living a life revolving around COVID. The nearly 3-year roller coaster ride of fears, regulations and hostility manifested by the virus had gotten the best of me in 2021. In my exhaustion, it became the glaring definition of 2021. 

Disappointed and frustrated in the direction of my reflection, I began to look to the year prior. In 2020, we were all in a state of shock to find ourselves masked up and secluded from our loved ones. But we did what we had to. The incredulousness of 2020 morphed into the insecurities of 2021. A year into the pandemic, we knew the rules but were left to make decisions of health and safety on our own. To make matters worse, we were often judged if our actions differed from others – regardless of the stance we took. Some immediately chose where they stood in the controversy, others (like me) teetered somewhere in the middle. The entire year, I cautiously waded my way from one day to another, unsure of where I wanted to draw my own line of precaution and when I wanted to venture into the life I once knew.

For me, it was never a matter of whether I felt “safe” from getting sick but ensuring the legitimate fears of others were always a consideration in my own actions. The entire year I felt like I was dipping my toe into the everyday events with the caution of an initial plunge into a very cold swimming pool. I was never fully confident enough to take the dive right in, yet I was driven to keep moving forward and out of the pandemic way of life.  

Due to said “pandemic way of life”, nothing we planned for in 2021 was definitive. In avoidance of disappointment, I mentally prepared myself for last-minute cancellations on the approach of any and all activities. Whether a planned vacation would be canceled due to resurrections of travel bans, or the knowledge that a potential negative outcome of a COVID test would send our family of 6 into lockdown, the year was perpetually up in the air. There were times when I wished for the lines to be drawn for me. It was almost easier in 2020, when everything was a definitive big fat “NO” rather than the 2021 theme of “maybe, but maybe not”. 

A week before Christmas I reached my breaking point. While having dinner with my family, the conversation continually swirled around COVID – who was infected, who was going to get infected by their actions, whether we should have our annual Christmas gathering and if relatives would be out of quarantine in time to celebrate with us. A downward spiral of doom hung over the table as we made our way through our pizza. I tried to dismiss it. I tried not to let it bring me down. But I failed miserably. I left the table in tears – not out of fear of becoming ill but out of complete and utter exhaustion of trying to fight my way through the emotions of COVID. 

After my abrupt and dramatic table departure, I was able to pull myself together and focus my attention on returning to my mission of creating an enjoyable Christmas for my family. I turned the page from the fear and negativity of those around me and focused on my own beliefs, what I believed to be safe and fun for my family. As a family, we took the measures to ensure the loved ones we spent time with were also protecting by testing prior to our visit. Circling back to “we all have to do what we feel is best for ourselves” gave me the ability to enjoy events that I had desperately missed the year before. 

As joyful as the holiday was for us, the fight it took to change my outlook left a bad taste in my mouth for the year 2021. The process of overcoming the fears and negativity due to the controversy coveting dinner table conversations, consuming our social media feed and the undercurrents of darkness radiating through our atmosphere felt like an ongoing theme in 2021.

I am so tired of that fight.  

The first day of 2022, I found myself staring at my blank notebook wondering where to start. What was there to reflect on besides the never-ending story of COVID?

I turned to my social media pages and reviewed photos I had posted from January 1 through December 31. My virtual highlight reel of 2021. I soon got lost in the images of family trips, sports, gatherings, couple getaways, reunions with friends, weddings, and silly bus stop selfies. From everyday life to extraordinary vacations as questionable as the occurrence of those events were – my highlight reel reminded me that they had indeed happened. Life had ensued and these photos were proof of just how good 2021 had been. The reality of my year was right there for me to see in full color, and it was a stark contrast to how I had originally recalled when I sat down to write this review.  

As I scrolled through a year’s worth of photos, the recollection of each small and big moment instilled a sense of appreciation for all we had accomplished despite the challenges faced. I started to write each memory down. Month by month, I listed my favorite moments in my notebook. Filling the page with words that represented the year. With each memory recalled, my spirit lifted. The task became the therapy I needed and a reason to look forward to the year to come. 

I know those stress inducing dark spots of life lingered in between the spotlighted memories but in the end, they did not matter. At the end of the year, those times I found myself fighting had collectively been left out of the family album (aka. My Insta feed). However, those bright moments will be carried on in the form of smiling faces and warm fuzzy feels – returning to me year after year as one of my memories.

This revelation blew me away and gave this “over-sharer” a reason to keep on sharing all the moments. Joy, laughter, pride, and a whole lot of love. I post these photos not for others to see but for my own family (and myself) to have a visual representation to reflect on the abundance of blessings we have. A reminder to be grateful for the life we lead – even in what seems like the most challenging times of our lives. 

If I were to give a word for 2020, it would be “shock”. 2021 would be “uncertainty”.  In both cases, the year’s events determined the word.

In 2022, instead of letting the circumstances of the year pick my word I have decided to set one for myself. My word for 2022 is “centered”. According to Psychology Today “becoming centered is a way to find peace within the chaos that might be surrounding us”.  Life within the walls of COVID are going to get better. How long that takes and the turmoil the process brings is something I cannot control. However, avoiding the absorption of tensions of the world and those of everyone around me is manageable.  I am determined to find my own peace within the chaos. I am determined to be centered.

Here’s to the year 2022 – this is my year.