Tale of Two Dreams
Rich and I have two very distinct dreams for our future. One equal to the other in wants. Neither greater than the other in need. These visions for our future compete and draw attention away from one another with their shiny glimmer of possibility. I have often found myself desperate to align with one or the other, my head spinning as I attempt to set our compass in a definitive destination.
Since we bought our own fixer-upper farmhouse in 2017, Rich and I have spent countless hours sitting around a table scheming and rescheming the what-ifs and how-abouts of our “castle on the hill”. Mentally rearranging rooms, tearing down walls, adding bedrooms, renovating bathrooms, and calculating the finances involved. On almost a daily basis, one of us will bring up an idea of what we could do to one part of our house or another. The restoration of this house has always been a mutual goal we have worked towards together and a shared interest we never thought we would get tired of.
To think, it all started as a suggestion. One he never thought I would agree to. We had sold the home our family had grown in and out of. We needed something bigger, and we wanted something grand. The house had to be warm and welcoming, but also large enough for our family of 6. I wanted new. He wanted character. His suggestion to attend the open house was met with a groan. The photos on the website revealed a very large, very old farmhouse and a lifetime of hard work ahead for whoever purchased it. If I surprised him when I agreed to see it, it was nothing compared to his shock when I agreed to buy it.
“I love it” I exclaimed “Let’s do it”
We loved this house from the moment we walked through it together. We saw the potential in what we could bring to it and knew it would never be wanting of love again. We romanticized the project as “fun” and vowed to take our time to allow ourselves to not only enjoy the process but also avoid financial devastation along the way. And we have kept to that promise. That was until our dreams were put on hold and a new plan started to form in our hearts.
It started as a joke. I never, ever thought he would jump on board. After all, I gave up on my dream of living in the south for him (didn’t I?). But there we were, nearly 18 years into our marriage, halfway into a home renovation and exploring our options for a big move away from the cold and closer to the palms. A distraction from the dream home we had put so much love into already but had not quite fulfilled our vision of completion. Although distant and inconsistent, the idea of relocating to the south was not an entirely new concept for our future. However, this past year, we found our dream of “someday” living in a warmer climate creeping its way up to our list of wants and becoming a need. Suddenly, my someday dream had become a goal we were determined to achieve.
That is the trouble with a someday dream, it tends to take you out of the here and now. The yearning for that new adventure took me on obsessive diversions into research and planning of my escape. Real Estate apps on my phone enabled me to tumble down the rabbit hole of what-ifs and how about thoughts. Sitting down at my computer brought me to places like Hilton Head, St. Mary’s, and Amelia Island. I was comparing school systems and falling in love with the old oaks draped with Spanish moss in backyards overlooking endless marshes. The desirable climate made me sigh and daydream about the possibility of an extended warm weather season. Before I knew it, I am on Pinterest exploring the Top 10 Things to Do on the island. Those rabbit holes I stumbled upon were long and unyielding. I started to imagine trips of exploration to one of these new geographical locations to determine their potential as a long-term destination.
“Book it,” he says as I describe the southern images, I had devoured that day. “Let’s do it”
He only needed to tell me once. Within moments my calendar was open, I was checking flights, our credit card point balance, and called mom to see if she was available to watch the kids. Booking this trip brought the dream from a hazy someday goal to a vibrant opportunity with true potential. That was until our real life came crashing in to break up the party.
Our reality call came in the form of a message from our contractor informing us of his availability to start the next phase of our home restoration project – the front exterior. Taking on such a large home renovation project with a limited budget requires construction in stages and an abundance of patience. Over a year ago, we completely renovated one side of our house from dingy white/gray aluminum siding to creamy yellow composite siding while leaving the other 3 sides to be addressed at a later date. With the vision of our home’s potential, we have accepted the time it will take to achieve what we know it can be. The next phase had come, and it included big-ticket items, removing and rebuilding our front porch, removing the aluminum siding, residing the entire front side of our house, and building out more robust and time-appropriate moldings on our oversized windows. This call did not come as a surprise. Not only did we know this project was coming, but we had been anxiously waiting for it to begin since last spring. It was to be the next big step towards the home we have dreamt about.
A few months ago, we would have been ecstatic to receive this call. However, as the reality of the expenses associated with the work began to set in, a dark cloud formed over our new dream of a life down south. The excitement and pride for all we had put into our home were gone, replaced with the weight of a task we needed to complete. Without knowing it, while we were focusing on a new dream, we were taking that attention away from all we had been working so hard towards for 3 full years. Although Rich and I felt deflated, we agreed to the expense of the necessary improvements to our home out of a sense of obligation to our former dream.
For the first time in 3 years, we wondered what we had gotten ourselves into by buying this house. For the first time in 3 years, we felt regret towards something we had once felt only pride towards. The recognition in our attitude shift towards our home felt like an immense loss to me.
How often do we do this? How many times does a goal we once had laser focus on achieving suddenly become fuzzy around the edges? It is so easy to get distracted before the first aspiration has come to fruition because the goals that are truly worth reaching for tend to take the longest to achieve. Once I recognized the disheartening toward our house project, I knew our preemptive relocation efforts were premature and should not take away from the task we had already undertaken. I also knew I wanted to finish our fixer-upper with the way it began – with excitement, love, and patience.
The unexpected benefit of our “little” project is how much closer it has brought Rich and me as a couple. The hours we spend on Pinterest choosing rooflines and bathroom tiles, the pride we feel as a room comes together, and the hours spent painting walls side-by-side – I cherish it all. I love everything about this house but what I love most is that we have done it together. At the end of the day, I want to look at the home we built and see it as a tribute to the love we have for one another.
I know in my heart that someday I will find myself living in the south but to continually gain the benefits I associated with the renovation of our old farmhouse, I must stop looking for joy outside of it.
Great, right? But how does one do that?
Living in New England is not ideal for someone with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and vistas of the south continue to call out to me. I began to recognize my challenges with SAD as a triggering factor that preempted my desire to migrate to a warmer climate. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. Not only do I notice changes in behavior during the winter months in the north, but the aversion back to the real me is undeniable the moment I step off the plane on our winter vacations. Every winter, I ensure we find a little reprieve from the cold. Sometimes, it is a big, all-expense trip to Walt Disney World or a romantic all-inclusive. Other years, it is a condo rental close to a beach. In the desperation to get away, I will take whatever I can get.
Once I step out into the warm sunshine, my face turns to the sun and I feel myself grow taller in its direction. I once tried to describe this sensation to Rich, he found it hysterical. “Like a sunflower?” I nodded, exactly like a sunflower (he may think I am ridiculous, but he totally gets me). On each trip since Rich and I step into the sunshine and recall this interaction with a smile. You see, we have been together for so long now and have taken so many escapes, he recognizes the moment I turn back into a sunflower.
In all honesty, the renovation of our house is not the only thing keeping us in the Boston area. We have two children in high school and would like to see them graduate with the kids they have grown up with. Our IT business is thriving up here on the North Shore of Massachusetts. Relocating would mean restructuring an entire business for a successful transition. And finally, we were both born and raised in Massachusetts. Aside from one sibling on each side, our entire families live within a couple hours of each other. Even if we were to continue to pursue a move to Florida, Georgia, or South Carolina, this move would not occur for another 3-5 years.
Recognizing the challenges that triggered the initial search elsewhere, acknowledging those conditions were not going away, and listing other priorities of our family put our dreams of moving south into perspective. Regardless, how fun it was to fantasize about porch swings, sweet tea, and warm breezes. How intriguing it was to revel in the possibility of a slower life pace. Even, despite the excitement, we felt sitting side by side on the couch scouring real estate sites for our next step. The reality is, neither of us is ready to let go of what we have started… not yet anyway. And this is how I brought one of our dreams back to the forefront of our minds and realized it had never really fallen too far behind.
After the initial “disappointing” news of our impending construction, Rich and I sat down and agreed we needed and wanted to finish what we started. We were not ready to let go. We were not ready to move on. Although we may be a little more open to the idea today than we were 3 years ago, we needed to bring ourselves back to our original dream of making the home we already owned into what we have always known it could be.
Our trip to Amelia Island is only 2 weeks away. We still plan to explore and review the possibilities for a “someday” relocation. However, that day is not today. Today, a dumpster will be delivered, and the top tier of our siding removed. Today we will pick out paint colors and relocate plants to be saved from being destroyed during construction. Today we will sit side by side and sign our refinance papers to keep our finances rolling for the next project. Today we will appreciate the beautiful house we have and the family we created to fill it. Today we are grateful for so much and look forward to all that is coming up in our “someday” dreams.
Tomorrow, we will work toward the dreams of tomorrow. But today, we will sit side by side and live for today.
