Let Me Off This Ride!
Wow! What a rollercoaster. A never-ending freaking roller coaster. I know I am not alone in this. Every person I talk to, every social media post I scroll past – everyone’s emotions are all over the place. We are up, we are down, we are heading up and then unexpectedly plummet down. There are twists and turns and times when we are upside down and then WHAM… we are going backwards. No matter how hard we try to control it or how hard we try to prepare ourselves for what is coming next-the course keeps changing on us. Are you feeling me? Can I get a hell-yeah?
I am literally doing EVERYTHING I can to just ride it out. Feel the feels, anticipate the drops and appreciate the occasional view from the top. I am trying to live in the now. Going to bed early, waking early, meditating, practicing gratitude, exercising, eating healthy, limiting social media…okay, maybe I could be better at this one. The point is, I am doing as much as I possibly can to get through the dips in our new normal, yet I know I can’t prevent them completely from sneaking up on me. These unexpected turns in emotions are as real as they get and in order to get to the end of this ride, I need to go through them. All of them.
Control them? Ha! If it was only that easy. Whenever life gets a little complicated, my initial reaction is to grab on more tightly to what I feel is slipping away. The thought is, if I just tighten my grip, I will be able to guide the outcome in the direction I want to go. I am sure I am not the only one with the desire to follow the clearer, safer path and tries to manipulate life to adhere. However, the tighter my grip, the sharper I turn in the opposite direction from my intended destination.
About a year ago, I had white knuckles from the ever-tightening grip I had on life. A friend recommended reading Rachel Hollis’ book Girl, Wash Your Face. Rachel’s humor and straight forward talk was exactly what I needed at the time. It lit a new fire under me and I began devouring everything and anything that would give me similar motivation. I was very motivated to get motivated (if that makes sense). I was searching everywhere for that spark she had. I scoured podcasts, downloaded book after book, followed every inspirational speaker out there and pinned motivational memes all over my Pinterest boards. I met with a counselor for a few months but never really got to the point of understanding why I was there. I gave up on the counseling before discovering the answer. I do remember her saying one thing to me “I get the feeling you are really searching for a way to control your happiness”. It was one of our last sessions and I remember thinking…. Well, yuh. Isn’t everyone? However, this statement stuck with me and after some serious inner reflection it dawned on me. In the dire pursuit for happiness and contentment, I forgot how to just be. I was trying to control the process and therefore missing the whole point.
This feeling is so similar to that of the new normal of quarantine. Although having been warned by my good friend Rachel Hollis, that the “when” is not important. The “when” is never going to happen the way we think it is. That insidious word still sneaks into my subconscious. Not only when will things get back to normal, because I agree that the normal, we are used to is not going to ever be the same. But when will we feel normal? Right now, living in the now is the best thing we can do. I do think the meditation is helping me breath through the difficult times. I do think the exercise is helping to prevent ongoing negative emotions, I do think eating healthy is keeping my energy level higher. I do think gratitude is helping me appreciate what I have within the 4 walls of my home. And I do think motivational speakers, such as Ms. Hollis are giving me the good kick in the pants when everything starts to fall apart. This past year, I have spent a lot of time looking inward. Not backward at who I thought I would be. Not toward what others are doing ahead of me. But who I am and what really and truly brings me joy? This has definitely been a tool that I have turned to during the quarantine.
Is this quarantine roller coaster really any different to the ride of our normal life? We have all had our own ups and downs before, right?
Yes, it is way different! That everyday stuff couldn’t be any more different from the reality of living in a pandemic. None of us have prepared for living through something like this. None of us ever thought “man, I need to learn how to meditate to remain sane in case a ferby looking virus ends up spreading globally, locking me in my house for days on end with limited social interaction and shutting down freaking Disney World” (that in itself is shutting down all happiness in my opinion).
No, this is something straight out of one of those annoying sci-fi movies Rich watches when the kids are finally in bed. The ones where the world is ending and everyone is in complete panic. You know the movies I am talking about. Usually during his gloom and doom movie fest, you will find me among Barbies and Matchbox in the kids living room. Happily binging on my own Sweet Home Alabama marathon. Hail to a good ole Reese movie. Her movies are exactly what I have prepared my life for; love, witty banter and make-out sessions in the rain. But this all-too-real-life scenario of living in a pandemic is NOT found in the pages of the scripts I follow. On second thought, maybe I should have sucked it up and watched the “sky is falling” movies with Rich. You know. Took notes and stuff. How did _______ handle it? See! I don’t even have an actor to reference here. Because I don’t like these stories! And yet, here I am.
This world is so different from that of 2 short – yet very long months ago. And while we fumble with methods to keep our minds & bodies stable – days, nights, weeks and months are passing. The one thing I truly believe will come out of this whole ordeal is strength. There is no way any of us, regardless of how “good” or “bad” we are managing the ride will not come out stronger than we were before we heard the words “self-isolation”.
Through my own practices of gratitude, meditation and exercise, strength is what I am working towards. Strength. Strong mind. Strong body. Strong heart. These are things I can control. And these are the things I can look forward to when we are cleared to be together again. For now, I am taking my hands off the safety bar and just going wherever the ride takes me. Except when it goes upside down, I have to hold on for that shit!