Waiting to Exhale

It is day 21 of the COVID-19 self isolation quarantine and I haven’t cried. Everyone around me talks about how they went for a walk or a drive or sat on their couch and “lost it”. Yet, I can’t. Me. The sensitive one. The one who can’t remember a time when I wasn’t wishing I would just suck it up and NOT cry. Me. I am yearning for the tears to flow. I am craving the sweet release of letting all my emotions, currently sitting like a rock in pit of my stomach, go. There is so much sadness out there. So much pain, loneliness, anxiety and fear. There are just so many emotions churning that I can’t seem to grasp on to the one I need to let it all out.

Since the day school was cancelled, marking the beginning of my family’s self quarantine, the term “waiting to exhale” pops into my mind. Immediate recollection of the 1995 movie Waiting to Exhale, starring Whitney Houston inevitably follows. I vaguely remember this movie but I know it had absolutely nothing to do with a global pandemic. However, the term “waiting to exhale” rings very true. It is exactly how I feel. No matter how many breathing exercises, guided meditations and yoga classes I do, there is always a pocket of air that remains lodge in the back of my chest. I just can’t seem to let it go. This most definitely is where all my tears are being held. In a big bubble of jumbled up emotions.

There is just so much I am mourning. Thankfully, my family and friends are healthy and are following the guidelines put in place to remain so. However, whenever I think about that blessing of health, I still feel the sharp withdraw of air. The worst of this horrible pandemic is ahead of us. It is predicted that the next couple weeks are expected to be horrendous, devastating and debilitating. Odds are, someone I know will be inflicted to some extent with this horrible virus. Depending on who that is and how their bodies react will be the only way to determine how the recovery will go. That is scary and far too much of an unknown for a type-A personality. There is not a lot of control to be had in this scenario.

I am so sad for my children, particularly the older 2. Jacob had an unheard of amount of things to look forward to this spring. School formals, 3rd year on the LAX team and his 16th birthday were a few that any Sophomore would have going for them. The thing that really got to all of us about celebrating his 16th birthday at this time, was not being able to get his permit to drive. You have a kid that either wants that piece a paper like it is a golden ticket from Willy Wonka or could care less. Jacob is definitely the former (RMV CLOSED). He had also been recognized repeatedly as a leader in his JROTC program this year. An active member of the program, he had been selected among 3 of his classmates to attend a leadership conference at Norwich University in March (CANCELLED). his drill team had a planned trip to Daytona Beach, Florida for a competition. The trip would include a visit to Universal Studios with his team and he and a few members were also thinking of visiting Embry-Riddle University for a tour (CANCELLED). He has one remaining leadership conference in DC scheduled for July. This is the one he has really been looking forward to (PLEASE DO NOT CANCEL). We have to be okay by then… right?

Malia is missing out on so much of her eighth grade memories. Originally, today was to be the day she would be coming home from her school trip to Washington, DC (CANCELLED). It is her last couple months in her middle school years. A place where she has shined so brightly and accomplished so much. There are events that still may be held – a luau, a graduation ceremony, yearbook signing, etc. With all the disappointments to date, I don’t think she is allowing herself to look forward to any of these planned events. It is almost like she assumes these too will be cancelled.

These disappointments for my kids brings me so much anxiety. I want to make it up to them. I want to take away the look on their face when they realize things are very different from what they thought they would be. So, I spend days scrutinizing ways to make a 16 year old boy’s birthday special. In the end, I come up with a poop emoji cake – because it really is a shitty way to spend your birthday. This time will end up being an important lesson for them as they journey to who they will become. Lessons of not getting everything you want. Learning unexpected things happen in life. Stuff happens and everything you were planning for shifts. Sometimes for the better. Other times, not so much. Those lessons are so very important. But it still sucks and I so wish they did not have to learn them this way!

I am jealous. Yes jealous… a totally weird emotion for this situation but let me explain. Rich is an essential worker. Not in the front lines but in the technology support he provides for companies in the area. Since word started to spread that the US was going to have to start taking steps and would potentially mandate workers to work remotely, our clients have had to transition their businesses to be equipped to do so. So that means not only working a full day but working most weekends and nights. I feel like I am in this alone and all the while watching others on social media taking hikes with their husbands. Watching dads take their kids out to play ball. So, I am jealous. Jealousy. It’s a stupid emotion that I am not proud of but it is there and it is real.

Guilty. Man, if I had a dime for every time I struggled during this pandemic to persuade my 8 year old off the couch, away from the screen and his silly YouTube channel he is sucked into. If only… well I probably wouldn’t qualify for any stimulus plan being offered. The kid is the most athletic, active kid out of my four but he is also a big couch potato. I said this to him the other day and he thought I was talking about him gaining weight (something I stay far away from when talking to my children). I keep trying to explain to him that I just meant he sits on the couch all day but he thought it was hilarious so keeps bringing it up (guilt, guilt, guilt). Carolyn, my rambunctious 4 year old, is climbing the walls. Literally. I cringe every time I catch her balancing on the back of the couch. An ER visit is definitely not my preferred 1st trip off our property. She is just so bored and now that the older 3 have schoolwork, my attention is elsewhere and she is stuck trying to keep herself entertained. Which essentially means asking me for a snack every 5 minutes. Yup, guilt.

And sadness, I feel sad for all those people who are at home alone and lonely. Sad for those who have to leave their families everyday to go work at a hospital that sounds like a war zone. My heart breaks for the loved ones of the friends who are fighting for their lives alone in a hospital bed. Yes, I definitely feel sad.

What do you do to make it through this turmoil of emotions? What can you do? I just do what I am told. I do ALL the things I am told to get through it. I wake up early and meditate in a quiet house. I have a hot cup of coffee and write in my journal – recording what I am grateful for and listing what dreams I will pursue when this passes. I do schoolwork with the kids and find simple crafts and experiments to do with them. We check on our animal friends at the zoos. I check in with my older 2 and try to have real conversations with them about nothing. All the while gauging what their body language and eyes are telling me about their emotions. I work out daily and eat as healthy as I always do. I drink lots of water (balanced with lots of coffee). We have dinner as a family and often pull out a board game. We have had a lot of laughs over board games in the past 3 weeks. And I pray, and pray for those who are struggling at this time. I am learning to live moment to moment and emotion to emotion.

And I wait. I wait for the dam to break. To be able to let it all go. The moment when all that churning calms. All the highs and all the lows even out a little. When all that stuff. All that crazy emotional stuff settles. When we finally flatten the curve.

Stay home. Stay safe. Stay healthy.