Forget I said that…
As a parent, 99% of the time you hope they are listening to you. Not just hearing your spoken words, but absorbing the advice, words of wisdom, life’ lessons, lectures and demonstrations of kindness you portray. You pray that when they are out in this big bad world, they stand up for what they believe in and always stay true to themselves. You hope they will reach for the stars and work to achieve all their wildest dreams. You want them to be the best version of themselves and a better version of yourself. But really, is that too much to ask?
I have 4 beautiful, smart, intelligent and funny (man are they funny) kids. Each child is completely different from the other and my techniques of mothering are malleable to their needs as individuals. The approach I take with parenting my 3-year-old Carolyn and how I parented Jacob when he was 3 is a vast contrast. True, a lot of the reasoning behind this is the pure fact that this time I am older and not necessarily wiser. Each challenging stage Carolyn enters I recall the times I went through them with my other children. I think to myself “I’ve done this before. I can handle it” but there is inevitably a curve ball that makes me feel like a rookie all over again.
As a mom, you are your child’s number one motivator, educator, therapist, drill sergeant, trend setter and influencer. Whether intentional or unintentional, you are the example of what it is to be a mother, a wife and a caregiver. It’s a lot of pressure and often I wonder what kind of example I am setting for my children.
There was one day, not too long ago. It was a hard day for me. I don’t remember why or how but I was in a bad mood. No. I was tumbling down the long dark hole of anxiety ridden regret, despair and helplessness. A “this was not supposed to be my life” downward cycle. Not a great time to be discussing someone else’s hopes and dreams- especially when it is your preteen daughter. Malia can honestly do anything she puts her mind to. She works hard and often puts a lot of pressure on herself but in the end she always shines. Her grades are phenomenal. She is a leader in the middle school classrooms and her extracurricular activities. Malia is vocally gifted and excels in musical theater. She has held a lead role for 2 years in a row in the school’s theater department. She writes her owns stories and poetry for fun. Her artwork is thoughtful and creative. She has entered local youth playwriting festivals, directing and acting her play for the community. Really, the possibilities for her future are limitless.
Yet on this dark day I sat in our kitchen with my beautiful preteen and my husband. We listened to what she wanted to do when she grew up. She told us how her 6th grade teacher told her she would make a great engineer someday. She was excited and we were talking about all the things you could do with engineering and tieing the career choices with her love for the theater. At some point during the conversation, I looked at her and said “but make sure you choose something you can do and still have the opportunity to be home for your children”. As that statement runs through my head, my feminist self wants to vomit. Here I have a daughter that is ready to take on the world and I am telling her to make sure she is a good mommy. My husband looked at me in shock. “Don’t tell her that” he cried. At the time (remember – dark place), I thought his comment was hypocritical. Afterall, that is what I did. I gave up on my aspirations for a career in advertising to be a mom for our children and a housewife for him. The realistic and mentally healthy side of me knows that I made that choice – not him.
That right there is the seed of my anxiety and the root of my depression. “I was meant to do more”. I was once the young girl who sat behind the counter of her father’s grocery store sharing with him all my aspirations for college and beyond. Sitting in the car with my mom dreaming of who I could be. At that age, my dream life was very similar to Malia’s – I wanted to be an actress or a writer. Everything within me craved to be involved in something creative. Not going to college wasn’t an option. My parents didn’t say that to me, but I don’t think any of us ever thought it wasn’t the path I would choose. They had never gone away to school and neither of them graduated. But I knew I would.
There was never a question that somewhere in my future, motherhood would also play a part. It’s hard to imagine motherhood in any other way from that of the one I grew up with. For the most part, my mom was home with us. I know that she took on small odd jobs when I was very young but I really do not remember those days. When I was in high school, she went back to school and became a realtor. My self-absorbed 15-year-old self never really thought of the feat this must have been for her, but the 44-year-old I am today admires her immensely for this. It’s hard not to wonder how Malia at 44 will look back at my choices and sacrifices as a mother and a professional. How will she see me and will she use me as an example for her own path through life? What message do I want her to receive from my actions?
A large part of my make-up is centered around looking towards what comes next. Planning and scheduling our lives as a family around sport team commitments and celebrations. I thrive on the structure of a schedule and feel lost without it. From a very young age, I calculated each step necessary to get me to where I needed to be. I knew that “doing my time” ultimately meant it would get me to where I wanted. It was an innate drive and will power that was admirable to many who watched me push through life’s stages. Academics never came easy to me, I had to work at them and even then, received mediocre results. Therefore, I signed up for every school club and student council I could, hoping the variety in extracurricular involvement would get me over the hump of college acceptance. And it did.
As a junior at UMass, I needed a break from school but was petrified that doing so would ultimately be the demise of my college career. Instead, I applied for a semester in Northern California as a domestic exchange student. However, I also wanted to do a semester at Walt Disney World in the College Program. My application process to Disney was unorthodox due to being in California during the recruitment period, but I pushed and pushed. I made phone calls and wrote numerous letters (before the time of email correspondence) and eventually received an acceptance to the program.
After graduating college, I applied to every job I could find and eventually interviewed at a software company as a receptionist – not the glamourous advertising job I was hoping for but I was told that if I could organize the office to be “run by monkeys”, they would provide me with any further education I wanted. Challenge accepted. This led me to take web design classes and introduced me to a skill I can use as a consultant. Enabling me to stay home with my kids – which is and always has been important to me.
But do the kids see all this? Or do they just see a mom who gets them to where they need to be and makes sure they clean their room? How do I want them to see me?
These questions tumble around in my head from time to time. My strategic mind tries to plot what I can do to manipulate their perception of me as a mom and an educated woman. This isn’t just a concern for my daughters, but also my sons who will one day be a husband/partner to someone else. Will their expectations of the dynamic of their own parents affect those relationships?
Can I really control how they perceive my life choices? How do I really and truly feel about my life choices? If this was a movie sequence, the entire screen would illuminate as if dawn had broken. How do I think of myself and my choices? Can I accept those choices? Better yet, can I EMBRACE those choices and actions? Accepting sounds like conceding to something that has been chosen for me. A path I was led down, not one that I chose. Embracing where I am in life and all that I have successfully accomplished is exactly how I want my children to see me. Embracing where they are in life, wherever they are in life – is everything I want for them. So, how do I do that? How do I set this example for them to absorb into their being so that when it is their time, they do the same?
This is my plan:
- Be happy – simple enough, right? But in the world of consumerism, it is all too easy to get lost in the wants, needs and desires of others. When I take a minute to focus on what I am doing and what I am capable of doing, I am happy. Really and truly happy.
- Be Grateful – this isn’t new to me or my family. When my oldest was 4 years old, he had a meltdown when he realized all the toys we were donating would not be replaced with new ones. And that began our bedtime routine “what are we grateful for”? It’s funny, it took 12 years of doing this nightly with my children before I realized I should also be offering gratitude for all I have. I now fall asleep each night with vision of everything I have to be grateful for.
- Live in the place where I stand. Huh? As a self-described super planner, I am always looking for the next move. It takes me a lot of self-discipline to not look forward to my next job, next house, next vacation, next stage, etc. But living, really and truly LIVING in the moment you are in is so important. There is a difference between looking forward to something and waiting for that next thing to happen. Carolyn is currently in my least favorite three-nager stage. She is defiant and testing me at every turn. She is also the sweetest, funniest and silliest little girl. Our days together can be trying and it is hard to not wish her to be 5. But I also know, that the silly, fun, playful side will dim a little as she matures. In the end, I will look back and want these days back. I want to live in this moment before the next stage of moments begin.
- Be Kind – this comes naturally to me and my children. Empathy and compassion are something we thrive on. But I want to always be sure we are choosing that path so I am still adding it to my list.
- Speak my mind – something that is the most unnatural ability for me. Conflict is uncomfortable and I do not do well in a confrontation. This leads me to often bury my feelings until I eventually combust in a blubbering mess of emotion. But I am working on it.
There it is, the 5 goals of mine that I hope my children will inherit and add to. Although I can’t control how they judge my decisions as a mother, as a wife or as a career woman, I will hopefully teach them to be proud of who they are and the choices they make. Make them understand that mistakes will be made and accomplishments will be attained, if they look, they will find that even the bad times bring you to exactly where you are supposed to be.