The Season of Winter
I hate Winter
The whole Winter season
Now, please don’t ask why.
No one quite knows the reason.
Seriously. It’s a problem. We just had our first “major storm” of the season. Typical of many New England storms, the outcome wasn’t nearly as “major” as it was predicted to be. Newscasters began forecasting the event about a week in advance. The large weather map appeared behind them with greater than and less then a foot printed across areas of Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Gloucester on the cusp of one or the other. The panic started to set as the very first “winter weather warning” graphic flashed across the TV. At this point it is very minimal and I can easily fight off the urge to take cover under my warm down comforter and hibernate until June. But it is there. This knowing feeling inside my chest warning me of impending doom and despair. I ignore it. I plunge through the day to day with force and intention. This time… this time I will fight it. I will make it fun! We will have fun meals and desserts and play games as a family. It will be great! But the real me has her browser open, planning her escape to her next 5 Caribbean escapes.
It could be that my winter jacket’s too light
It could be perhaps, that my snow boots are not right
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that my heart is still in the season of fall
When someone tells me that they are planning to go for a walk when the temperature is below 40 degrees, I look at them incredulously. But why, when there are perfectly fine treadmills in our world? “I just dress appropriately” they often inform me. Layers! All you need is layers. I hate freakin’ layers. It is the preparation to walk out of my house that often sends me over the edge into the depths of an anxiety attack. Getting ready to leave your house on a winter day in the tundra is exhausting. Let me take you through it.
When choosing your outfit for the day, one must first assess what their exposure to the elements for duration of the outing. If you will be outdoors for an extended period of time choosing a thick pair of jeans is essential, the ones you wear in the spring and fall are not going to cut it. The fleece lined leggings are always a great choice. However, if the extent of you braving the elements is a jog from your car into the mall you may want to go for a lighter option. Those leggings will toast you up until you are sweating your booties off. Sounds good when it is 5 degrees out but will dampen your whole shopping experience – literally.
My sock drawer doesn’t differ too much from every other women’s sock drawer. However, I do believe if I lived in the warmer climate of my dreams – I would have far less pairs. And those maximum thermal socks with the thick lining of fur would be the first to go. They sound amazing, don’t they? And honestly, they are pretty darn comfy when I am snuggled up on the couch with a book and the fireplace roaring. But so are bare feet on warm sand with the sounds of waves lapping on the shore, a good novel tucked under my arm and a cool cocktail in my hand on a beach somewhere far, far away…. {sigh}
On any given winter day, I have 4 types of jackets hanging in my closet. And it has absolutely nothing to do with fashion preference. I have my light down packable jacket that is great for running from my house to the gym or the mall. It doesn’t get too toasty but is warm enough on the brief time in the outdoors. Then there is my short thick wool jacket with the fur lined hood (eskimo style). This jacket is primarily used for slightly longer exposure to the elements. Taking the dog out, going to the bus stop, pickups at school, etc. There is also my other packable down coat, this one is long enough to cover my lower half in the instance I need to sit on a cold bleacher at some point to cheer on one of my children. Finally, there is my long heavy-duty coat for the occasions I give in and take the kids sledding or I pitch in with the shoveling (my husband would laugh at this one because I never pitch in with shoveling… but just in case). Uggs are actually worn for warmth not just fashion. That’s all I have to say on that.
Hats, Gloves, mittens, scarves, ear muffs, face masks, hand warmers, etc. True not all of these items are worn at once. Each and everyone serves its purpose according to weather temperature and out door activity. Choose wisely my child.
{sigh}
Now that an image has been painted of my closets. Add into the equation 4 kids, a dog, and a husband. The 14 year old is fully equipped as anyone else in this family to brave the elements, however he leaves the house every day in a sweatshirt. To some degree, I get his resistance to the bundle. But dude, it is 3 degrees outside! My 12 year old daughter however is probably the easiest, the princess does not want to be cold or uncomfortable any more than her mom. When she leaves for the bus at the obnoxious time of 6:45am every inch of her body is covered up by whatever piece of winter gear she can find – even if it is her little brothers gloves that I will later spend a frantic 30 minutes looking for. And that brings me to the 7 and 3 year old. We spend a good part of our weekday morning looking for matching gloves and our favorite hat only to come to the conclusion that it is in the lost and found at school (or on big sister’s hands). Once we get over the overwhelming disappointment of having to wear a red hat instead of a blue hat we move forward with the bundling. It takes a good 20 minutes to ensure every inch of their little bodies are covered with a warm soft material only to turn around and see the 3 year old has stripped down to her underwear. Exhausting.
But whatever the reason
My heart or my shoes
I sit hear this snow day, watching the news
Glaring at my TV from my couch with a frown
Watching the school cancellations town by town
For I knew every ski friend was jumping with glee
And I start to wonder what’s wrong with me?
What is wrong with me? This has been a question I ask myself every year for as long as I can remember. Typically, the first signs of this annual bout of depression does not bare its ugly head until after the holidays. I do believe there are elements of the disorder that are onset long before this but I throw myself so deep into creating the best Christmas for everyone that I am able to bury my own feelings deep down until we are deeper in the season. Totally healthy, right? I think every therapist out there would have a field day with that one. Once January hits, so does the depression and there really isn’t much I can do to fight it any more.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD – the ironic acronym) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.
Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), medications and psychotherapy.
I was diagnosed with SAD about 10 years ago when I finally described my anxiety to my doctor. Before that, I didn’t fully comprehend the pattern of my depression. Of course, I recognized the fact that I did not like winter but the anxiety that extended to all aspects of my being were confusing. And anyone around me would have been shocked to hear what I was feeling on the inside. Heck, I don’t even know if my closest friends know what I am going through in the winter months. Partly because I don’t let the outside world see that side of me. Sure, I would complain along with my fellow moms as we waited for school dismissal, but I would do so with a smile and witty satire. All the while, there is a tightness in my chest – an almost breathlessness that has always left me feeling silly and spoiled. I felt spoiled for wanting a tropical escape. Spoiled that I couldn’t handle my toes being cold. Who was I anyway? Even after my diagnosis, it somehow seemed melodramatic. Most people in colder climates are not thrilled by the cold temperatures. Why couldn’t I get over it? What was wrong with me?
It is so hard to describe how I am feeling when I am suffering. It seriously feels like I am someone else entirely from the person I am in the warmer months. In conversations with others I feel disengaged even though I participate, throwing questions or comments in to mask my struggles, I feel impartial and find my mind wondering. Most of the time, when it is one on one conversation, I can rein it in and force myself to be a part of the conversation. However, in a group, I find myself becoming smaller and smaller. Standing among my peers but not fully participating. In the summer, I crave invitations to go out. There isn’t anything I do not want to be a part of in the summer and once there, I am fully there. Engaged, participating, funny…. present.
When it snows, I am at my worst. My kids are delighted to see the white flakes fall from the sky and accumulate in our yard. I watch on with a dreaded feeling of suffocation. With each inch that gathers in our yard, with every icicle that forms from our porch, I feel the walls around me closing in. And I panic. Only Rich can see it happening and it took him years to recognize the coming storm as it raged through my body. But was I always like that? I think I enjoyed snow as a child. I would ski with my aunt and cousins every winter. I never LOVED skiing but I enjoyed it – in the right conditions.
Looking back, I can remember feeling this way in high school. I believe that was the start of the affliction. After living in Northern California for 2 years, we moved back to Massachusetts my junior year to be close to family. My parents moved us back to the same town I had grown up in so there really wasn’t the challenge of meeting new friends. I can still remember being in a funk at some point in my high school career. Looking out over the frozen parking lot by myself, my best friend came up to me and asked what had been “up my ass the past month”. I was taken aback. First of all, I have never been good at confrontation but also, I realized she was right (not very eloquent in her delivery, but right). Something had seriously been bothering me but I could not really explain what. Time passed and I really could not tell you if I remained sullen for the rest of the winter or not. But for some reason, that confrontation has always stuck with me.
Of all colleges to choose, I chose the one in the western part of Massachusetts – Umass Amherst. Don’t get me wrong, it is an amazing school and I have a ton of great memories from my UMass days. The first time my mom and I went out to tour the school it was a picturesque spring day. Students were outside walking around, hanging out on the lawns and just enjoying college life. It was the quintessential picture of the college experience I was looking for. Every Spring and Fall, the school held true to that initial image I had. However, from November through April it was a cruel contrast. Winds whipped around buildings, snow piled high around the walkways and everything was icy. It was someone with a seasonal affective disorder’s worst nightmare. I would turn into a hermit on those cold weather days, plotting my transfer for the following fall. Then spring would come, and I would be okay again. Still, there was no definition to my feelings. This was New England. We are New Englanders, a hearty bunch who are proud to be able to handle the extreme weather conditions. I just needed to suck it up.
My final year at UMass, I spent a semester in California on an exchange program and a semester at Walt Disney World as an intern. That year is what I consider my best college days. I could be myself. I was open to new people. I wasn’t the shadow I was in high school or UMass. I was Erika and people were suddenly drawn to me. But still, it did not register that this change was weather related. In my mind, California was the change I needed to get over a bad relationship. And Disney, well who wouldn’t be happy working for the mouse in Florida? I was with my people. Yeah, my peers were pretty awesome but I do believe I was a much better person and allowed myself to be open because of the climate.
So, here I am 20 years later living in New England in February, hiding from the dismal news forecasts and hibernating under layers of clothing. Why do I continue to live in the Northeast? Rich and I have plotted our escape to the south many times. In fact, every time we find ourselves on a winter getaway the dream of becoming a Southern Belle seems more and more necessary and well… just plain right. But for whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes (to continue with my Dr. Seuss theme) I just can’t make the leap.
Then I got an idea!
An amazing idea!
I got a wonderful amazing idea
“I know just what I’ll do” I said with a chuckle in my throat
And I took off my hat and my coat
My fingers they typed – click, click click
A house in Florida, that will do the trick!
A month later…
It has taken me a full month to find a way to end this post. Not for my lack of words but because I am still searching for the resolution. I really would have loved to leave this off with some brilliant answer of how I stood with my feet planted in the snow and realized how wonderful each unique snowflake made this world. It would have been totally cool if I had some amazing insightful awakening (much like the Grinch) and found myself sledding down the hill with glee. But alas, I still do not like the cold winter.
Waiting and fighting for the peace inside me is a daily pursuit. One that has brought me to searching for a therapist – something that is so foreign and intimidating to me that my anxiety is currently at its peak. I have purchased a light box as recommended by my physician. I have taken to journaling and read each affirmation posting I see on social media in pursuit of finding my happy thought of the day. I will do everything and anything I can to not be overcome by the weight of condition.
Someday I see Rich and I making the move down South and resolving my SAD triggers. But right now, picking up our family of 6, relocating our business and abandoning the home renovation project we bought into just a year and a half ago is not an option. We have grand plans of finishing our “little” fixer-upper project and bringing it to completion and possibly turning it into a B&B. We are working hard to build our business and train our employees so it runs self-sufficiently. As a family, we want to see our two oldest children complete school here in Gloucester as they are so close now. The real challenge we face is envisioning these items as checkboxes as opposed to obstacles. Embracing the fact that we have mere steps to get to our ultimate goal makes it seem tangible and less like a “one day…” dream.
I am truly stronger than I think and I am absolutely capable of achieving my dreams. We all are.