He Did What?!?!

We caught Jake vaping. We caught Jake vaping? We caught Jake vaping! This is what has been running through my head (in this exact context) since Rich pulled the Juul from under his pillow. I know there are a lot of worse things that we could catch our 14-year-old son doing but it is such a shock that he was doing this – for some time, right under my nose and I did not have a clue. It felt like an after school special right down to his claim “It isn’t mine. It is my friends”. As we continued to bring incriminating evidence to him including videos of him in the act, he stone faced lied to us over and over again. He lied to us! I know, again, he is 14 and was caught smoking. Of course, he is going to lie. However, you have to know Jacob to understand why this whole episode is threw me for a loop.

My Jacob Thomas was born exactly 11 months after Rich and I were married in 2004. He is my first born. The one I carried for 9 months and every flutter and kick was new and amazing. He was the one I was carrying when my water broke a month early, yet he decided to hang out in there for another 40 hours before finally making an entrance in the world. He is the one who made me a mom. Jacob is and always will be a golden child in my eyes.

When Jake was younger, Rich and I were convinced we were the best parents in world. We had this whole nurturing thing in the bag. Aside from the Outback incident of 2004, when the tiny infant started crying in the restaurant and we immediately asked for our steaks to go as to not disturb the other patrons, he was a poster child of good behavior. Jacob was always the sweetest, most well-behaved child in the room. I could take this kid anywhere and not give a second thought towards him throwing a tantrum in the middle of a store, forcing me to make an early exit – something I truly appreciated after child 3 and 4. Through the years, his behavior remained the same. As others around me struggled with their children (some with legitimate behavior and sensory issues), Jacob remained Jake. At times, I was even embarrassed by his good behavior (as ridiculous as that sounds – even to me). As I mentioned, we had a few playmates and cousins that did have the challenge of sensory issues and because Jacob did not, I often felt alienated from these parents. I didn’t have anything to relate to in their discussions. The totally innocent, off handed remarks from these mothers, such as, “well Jake would never do that” made me feel uncomfortable to the point that I let them bond over their challenges and I drifted apart from their group.

Jacob has always struggled in school. He is an extremely bright kid with a strong interest in history and science but he has problems focusing and getting the work done. Even worse, at times the work gets done but is never turned in for a grade. I have always attributed these traits to the laid-back personality that labels him as that “good kid” and (usually) keeps him out of trouble. He doesn’t have that competitive drive that I see in other children. This was evident from the time he was a 5-year-old on the soccer field. Jake loved to join anything and everything but it was for the social aspect more than the actual game. When other children were crying on the sideline after losing a big game, Jacob was at our side asking if he could buy an ice cream from the ice cream truck. It was a joke between Rich and I. We looked on from the ice cream line as the other parents tried to console their children. Again, a part of us thought it was something we taught Jacob. We gave ourselves a pat on the back for instilling in our son that it was just a game. It was obvious to us, Jacob wasn’t upset about the loss because we weren’t screaming from the sidelines like lunatics, making a big deal out of each and everything that was happening on the field. Today, every time we chastise Jacob as a teen athlete for not trying as hard as he could and for not wanting the win like he should, I think back to those games. There is a not-so-little part of me that blames myself (and my husband) for Jacob’s lack of competitive spirit. Even though I have other children who naturally have the drive to win and were not raised any different than Jake, I still find a way to wonder if there is something I could have done or said to help Jacob find that spark. It is just so damn hard to see your teenage son try to grapple with why he is how he is. Why can’t he find it in himself to care about doing well in school? How can he push through and overcome his inclination to coast through as “the good kid”? I watch him struggle with these questions and put himself down for being who he is. All the while, I have my own internal battle between finding a way to help my son and beating myself up for being too hard or not being hard enough or being insensitive to his struggles or relating to how he feels or … just feeling like an inadequate mom.

So, once all the evidence of him smoking were revealed, he was punished. Every electronic was confiscated and after school activities that were not related to an organized program were revoked. Weekend activities were off the table indefinitely (or until we could regain a little more trust in him and his decisions). He showed no remorse. NONE! This is a child who was always overly sensitive. Seriously, when he was 3, I could say to him “I am really disappointed that you would not share with Joey” and it would send him into hysterics. But at 14, being caught doing something that is against all our rules – there was nothing. I started looking back to all our recent discussions in regards to grades, chores, responsibilities and anything else that could be considered a reprimand and realized this numb response had been very common in the past few months. While I considered this and tried to psycho analyze my 14-year-old, another observation hit me. He wasn’t unaffected by the events. He was relieved. All of a sudden, a weight appeared to be lifted from his shoulders and I saw glimpses of the funny, sarcastic, “good” kid that has always been the makeup of my Jacob. I don’t know what had been holding him down because let’s face it, he is still a self-discovering teen and even if he could pinpoint the stress, he isn’t going to tell his mom who just grounded him indefinitely. All that mattered to me was he was back and from what I can tell, dropped the developing nasty habit of vaping.

It has been a couple months now. The initial shock and panic I had originally felt towards Jacob and his indiscretions has dimmed. He has continued to come out of the anxiety shell and has once again found joy in the social aspects of getting involved in school activities with his friends and his grades have begun to improve.

As we continue to creep up the next steep incline of Jacob’s own roller coaster years of high school, I hold my breath and wait for the next drop, loop-da-loop and sharp turn. Along the way I am making a conscious effort to enjoy the ride and continuously remind him that I am riding the coaster right along with him.