Peaking Around the Corner
I am tired. So damn tired. Tired of waiting in line to get in a store, tired of wearing a mask everywhere I go, tired of psycho analyzing every get-together with friends, tired of worrying about whether there will be a resurgence or not, tired of wondering what will the school year be like next year, tired of trying to decipher what is told on news programs as fact or embellished sales tactics, tired of seeing the snippy comments on Facebook, tired of all the judgement, tired of trying to keep my kids off their tablets, tired of finding the positive in all these instances. Tired…. Tired…. So freakin’ tired.
And another thing, I hate masks. Not just because I can’t breathe in them or that I am forever fogging up my glasses when I wear one or because I can’t recognize anyone when they wear them. But because they make me sad and feel like I am living in an alternate reality. Masks are something other people do, in other parts of the world. Driving down the street and seeing people being socially responsible just sucks! I hate arriving at a store to wait in line 6 feet behind someone before being let in to buy an absorbent amount of food for my family who is ALWAYS home and ALWAYS eating. I want to pop in to Marshalls and Homegoods, just to browse again. I want the cashiers at grocery stores to not be behind a plexiglass wall which prevents casual chit chat. I want the cashier at CVS to bag my groceries. Not because I can’t, but because she can and isn’t afraid to do so. I want a pedicure. I want to take a step forward to a friend I see on the street. Step into that hug, not take a step back to keep my distance. I don’t want to question my choices and the choices of those I spend my time with. I don’t want to worry about whether the kids will go back to class in September or what that will look like. I don’t necessarily want to go back to the way it was, I just want it all to be less complicated.
These reopening phases are leaving me restless, antsy, anxious and far more mentally distressed than quarantine ever did. I find myself continuously evaluating and reevaluating how I am addressing the reopening and how I want to progress further. It is exhausting and there are times when I completely shut down. This is how I found myself curled on the couch at 1pm on a gorgeous Sunday and the foggy funk still hasn’t dissipated a day later.
Sure, I am happy we are healthy. Grateful our parents have remained strong. And relieved to finally have my circle opened enough to see some family and friends. Rich and I are blessed that our business did not have to shut down like others. We are lucky we have older kids that can help entertain the younger kids when we need time to work. I am just done and ready to move on.
I was recently invited to a get together. A casual playdate for a large group of kids and moms. Last year, these afternoons were a weekly occurrence, not thought twice about and something we all looked forward to. Due to COVID, it’s been so long for any of us to have any gatherings, let alone one of this magnitude. It has been too long since we were able to do this normal get together; moms around a table while our young kids jump and swim and play together. As much as I am craving this kind of connection, I am not sure if I am ready for it. The complex emotions I am feeling towards something that is so ordinary is weighing down on me harder than the past 3 months of seclusion have and I am trying to work it all out in order to understand where I stand.
When we were being told to stay home, it was a defined guideline. We all knew what we were supposed to do and what we were supposed to avoid. Not everybody obliged to these precautionary do’s and don’ts of a pandemic, but I did. Although challenging and never convenient, I felt safe within the walls of self-isolation. As we move through the 2nd phase of reopening in Massachusetts, the lines are being blurred every day and it is up to us as individuals to define where our boundaries lie. The restlessness of the community is palpable, dividing individuals into groups of either jumping ship of quarantine life entirely or standing back wondering whether they are over-reacting by standing firm and 6 feet apart.
The message of social responsibility laid out by our government and the health community was one I took to heart. I took on the weighted charge of social distancing as a method of flattening the curve as if the results would come directly from my own actions. My reasoning based on the desire to be part of the resolution and not the problem. It also had about 98% to do with the fact that I am a diehard rule follower, over achiever and people-pleaser.
As a family, the Andrews’ have barely left the boundaries of our own property since March 12th. Only recently, opening our circle just wide enough to include my parents, sisters and a few close friends. Even those first steps were scary and taken with tremendous caution. Do we let the 4-year olds go in the house to play? Can the 9-year olds play Xbox together in the living room? Is that okay? What if dad gets infected? We will feel horrible. What if? But what IF? And this is where the anxious anticipation comes into play. We have been so blessed and lucky to not have this horrible virus infect someone we dearly love. We have been healthy for 3 months, just inconvenienced. I want it to stay that way. But I am also craving to give a great big bear hug to anyone I see. My thought process goes round and round, never finding a clear direction of where my resolution should land.
In Massachusetts, we were one of the hardest hit states in the Coronavirus outbreak. We are also a state that is being very conservative about our reopening strategy. This comforts me. The comfort comes with hope that taking these steps with caution will ensure we won’t ever have to do this again. Those whispers of another surge of COVID cases this fall scares the crap out of me. I can’t imagine distancing ourselves from the relationships that are my sanity in everyday life…again. However, I never thought we would be able to do it the first time and we did.
As many people around the world are doing or have done, I am just trying to figure it all out. Figure in how I want to reenter the world, who I want to reenter it with and how I am going to do that. My family and I do not have any health risks other than my diabetic dad. The majority of the kids’ friends have been “good” at social distancing (have to love my fellow rule followers). So, for the past couple weeks, since Governor Baker announced the 4 stages of reopening, I have begun thinking about what that means to me. Knowing that each opening will mean something different for everybody. How as a family, are we going to peek around the corner of normalcy before jumping out fully exposed?
When I discussed the playdate with Rich last night, our thoughts went back and forth on whether we should or whether we shouldn’t take this step to open to this extent. And if not now, when? What will be the deciding factor for us? And further than that, when will we feel okay to head to a restaurant for dine-in service? Our favorite restaurants have begun opening for limited dining service and we want to support them. But are we ready for that level of exposure? Rich is definitely more open to loosening restrictions than I am – as a small business owner, this isn’t surprising. His interest is in the welfare of the economy and the businesses we support. And I get that. But I am also worried to rush into things and be forced back into a shutdown and full quarantine. As well as I handled the first one, I really do not want to do that again.
Such a complicated time we are living in right now. And each state seems so adherently different from the other. It almost feels like we are living as lab rats while each state makes their own interpretations of the advisements put out by the medical experts.
School has officially ended for the 2019/2020 year. Graduations were made by drive by parades and awards will be mailed. Field days were done in your own backyard and report cards were delivered to your inbox instead of backpacks. Tonight, Rich and I have reservations to dine at a local restaurant. It’s slow, but things are getting better and we are becoming more and more comfortable with it.
All I know is, this social interaction that I crave, I don’t want to have taken away from me again. It is necessary. It is necessary for me. It is necessary for my kids. So, I will continue to peak around the corner of reentry. I will take one cautious step at a time into the open. I will enjoy the glimpse of what will be again.
I did not go to that playdate. The complexities of how I felt toward it would have dampened the experience and that is just what I am going to have to base my decisions on right now
Someday though, someday I will run full force into the beautiful life I had. This time with more appreciation for what has always been there and a new acknowledgment of the strength I possess to not only survive but thrive more than I imagined I could in a difficult situation.