I See You. I Promise.

This wasn’t the topic I was going to write about today. It wasn’t even on my radar to write on such a thing until this morning. Not because I don’t care or think it doesn’t matter… because I really do care and it REALLY does matter. Due to where I have lived and the lack of cultural diversity in my life, the clash of racial injustices has taken a permanent place in my blind spot. Unseen, therefore nonexistent. Ignorance in its purest form.

It doesn’t help that I’ve never known how to vocally express myself in a controversial situation. Avoidance is my not-so-super power. However, it is hard to turn your back on the controversary surrounding the recent murder of George Floyd.  A murder that most everyone has witnessed in horrifying detail on one form of media or another. You won’t find many people who disagree that his death was unnecessary and shameful to humanity. However there seems to be an endless flow of disapproving commentary and opinions on what the appropriate response is to this atrocity. The images of the assault that lead to his death has stuck with me more than any before. The drive to do something to make a difference is stronger than I have ever felt. It is hard for us non-controversially driven individuals not to be perplexed with the desire to do something to help but not feel comfortable participating in the manner of organized protest events – even the peaceful ones. I cringe when accusations fly about of ‘being a part of the problem’ when they are not speaking out. It feels like a personal criticism and feeds the guilt I already possess at my lack of action. There has to be another way to make a difference than one that feels unnatural to me. But what?

Raised in the Northeast and on the coast of Northern California, I was taught to not see the color of a person, but to view everyone as equal to myself. I realize this is not a fair way to describe racial differences by today’s politically correct standards. However, this message was delivered with the best intentions and from a pure heart. In the manor it was taught to me, it simply meant we never unjustly judged someone else based on the color of their skin. It was simply a way of describing one’s features. This lesson in its simplest form was related to how our features differed even within our own family with the color of our eyes and hair. In reflection, I can’t remember a time in my life where the color of someone’s skin was any more than just that – a feature. However, I have hardly resided anywhere that would challenge this belief.

Now that we are all being re-educated to recognize those differenced and encouraged to honor them – I can understand why seeing color and appreciating our differences is fundamentally important to the cause. The ability to acknowledge our differences, listen to one another’s fears and empathize with hardships, give us the ability to add our voices to theirs. Voices that share the message directly from the inflicted and not just offer a superficial wave of support. How we decide to share that message though, is up to us as individuals and comes in many more forms than just protests and rallies. The bullying and accusations towards others to do what you are doing to make a change will not result in influencing another to join your cause with the same enthusiasm you possess.  The result will instead discourage participation because of discomfort in joining the masses. This is where I have been stuck for years. Afraid to use my voice in avoidance of contradiction and avoiding the connection to the cause because of my lack of action. And that’s sad. There are so many other ways someone can support a cause without being on the front lines. I am just starting to realize this at 44.

As much as I don’t see my participation in protests and rallies, I understand the power behind the joint voice – I have just never found a place among this force. It is not in my nature to center myself in conflict – any conflict. But if it is yours, I applaud you for that. Although I don’t see how my voice will make a difference in the same way yours will, I do see that the world needs all of you who own that passion and take action to make those voices heard. As in any conflict, large or small, it takes all the strength from all the people to make change happen. I can’t help but think If we all attacked the situation with the same tactic, it would be like hammering the same nail over and over, while expecting different results. So, is it fair or strategic to ask and even worse guilt individuals to take an action that they do not feel comfortable taking? Do you really think they will be as effective when it is an action, they do not feel confident in? Or what if we ask ourselves how we can most effectively make a change with our own God given gifts?

What if we all looked at how we can take our own actions, in our own terms? What if our “voice” came out in the form of teaching our children about the injustice in the world? What if we donated to organizations that support the peaceful goal? What if we express our kindness to the world we don’t fully understand? What if we take to writing a social media post or write an article about our support for those inflicted? Recognizing our ignorance but offering our love and solidarity.  Do our friends of color realize how many of us out there are watching a video of “one of their own” being murdered with disgust and embarrassment that the perpetrator is considered “one of OUR own”. That video of those officers haunts me. They are not who I consider to be a part of and it shames me to think that because we share the same light complexion, we would be put in a category together. The view of a world where these occurrences are still a way of life has rocked me to my core and brought the ugliness out of hiding.

So today I will do the only thing I can think of. I apologize. I apologize to all of you who have to face this reality daily. Today I say I am sorry for what someone who looks like me did to someone who looks like you. I mourn with you for your loss and all the losses that came before Mr. Floyd. I am so-so sorry for my innocent, yet still ignorant actions to support you. I wish I could take away the fear you live with every day – fear for yourselves and fear for your children. If only there was something, I could put out into the world to make you understand how I recognize the challenges you have faced or will face. I see them and I hear you. I don’t want to be blind to it anymore. All I can do is try to imagine how it must be… frankly that is enough to realize how unimaginable it must be for you.

For now, I offer a promise. I promise to never do this to you. It sounds so inconsequential, but it is all I can give. I promise to raise my children to never do this to you. I promise to tell them how you have and are being treated. I promise to show them how wrong this is. I promise to make sure they understand that as white, American born children – they have a privilege that many do not. I promise to guide them to find their own voice in opposition. Perhaps in protest, maybe through art, possibly through a career in public service or simply writing like their mom. I promise that they will know how wrong all of this is. This is my offering. A simple promise.

God bless you beautiful souls. May peace be brought to your hearts and I truly hope you feel the love from those of us with the purest intentions. We see you. We hear you. We feel for you. But most of all, we are here for you.