In My Dreams

Have you ever had a dream that sticks with you? A dream that lingers in your subconscious long after you get out of bed? A series of film-like story lines that form while you are asleep, only to be revisited play-by-play during the days that follow? Do you believe there is more behind these sleep visions than just scrambled nonsense? I do.

To me, interpreting the meaning behind dreams brings clarity to aspects of my life that blur into the background of the mundane day-to-day. When a dream is vivid enough to be brought with me into the daytime, I find myself analyzing its potential meaning. Often, turning to Google for help with the underlying meaning (“Google. Why am I dreaming of whales jumping in the harbor? And is there a reason they are purple?”).

I believe there is meaning within our dreams. I believe they are messages of guidance and comfort sent to reveal what our minds are too congested to accept during our conscious hours. Regardless of where you are in life or how you are managing the season you are in; your dreams are a reflection of your mindful self.

I recently had a dream that brought me clarity, fulfillment and peace. The affect it had on me was so intense, it has not left me since. The vision affirmed my own path of personal growth, the significant shift I have felt by pivoting my focus inward and the benefits I have seen in all my relationships since – especially with my husband. It outlined the transformation in the dynamic between Rich and I over the past couple years. This reverie not only highlighted the path I was on, but also the man I chose to travel it with. It revealed Rich to be exactly the person I see him as – supportive, focused, driven (and of course stubborn). He is my person.

My Dream
It is a crystal-clear summer day in my coastal hometown. The cloudless blue ombre sky extends in its own natural gradient of dark to light as it reaches out to the horizon. In the distance, the sky meets the deep blue of the Atlantic Ocean. There isn’t a boat on the water. It is quiet and still. Smooth and calm. Peaceful in gentle motion as it laps the rocky seashore. The rhythmic waves lull the senses as they caress the shoreline.

I am perched on the back of a motorcycle. It is a large secure cruiser style bike, similar to the one Rich owned when we were dating. It feels solid beneath me as I latch my arms around my husband’s waist. He cruises along the smooth road at a moderate speed; I feel safe and I trust his ability as he follows the windy coastline. He is so confident in his direction and ability, yet something about this ride gives me a growing sense of uncertainty. I find myself tightening my grip and leaning my head against his back, closing my eyes to my surroundings. I stop watching where we are going. Letting him lead the way.  I feel each turn, aware of each ascending hill and the descent down again. I feel the cool breeze against my skin and can taste the salt air on my lips. I am unaware of our direction. I have faith that he knows the way and how to get us there. I see no need to question his intended destination.

Suddenly, my grip loosens. I try to clasp my hands around his waist but my fingers slip along the surface of his jacket. I begin to panic and grapple to tighten my fingers around something… anything. I want to feel that security again but the solidity of the bike no longer offers me the refuge it once did. I find myself getting annoyed with Rich. Why doesn’t he notice my insecurity? Does he not notice or maybe he just doesn’t care – it feels like one in the same. Despite my growing frustration, he continues down his own path unaware of the panic growing inside me. He is so sure of where he is going and self-consumed in his own ride. But why doesn’t he notice how unsure I am? Why doesn’t he feel my grasp loosening? Shouldn’t he be protecting me? I feel the anger rise within me and I let go. All of a sudden, my hands release. To my surprise, I do not fall. Instead, my body is lifted off the bike and I rise above. There is a rope tethered around my waist and attached to the bike below as I rise higher and higher into the summer sky. It is as if I am parasailing over the coast. I can see for miles ahead from this height and I am in awe of the beauty around me. I look down in surprise and awe at my ability to fly. I feel excited, joyful and at ease as I soar on my own accord. And there is Rich, looking up from his bike at me. He is smiling with admiration and acknowledgement. It’s as if he always knew I had it in me. He always knew I could fly. That smile – in that moment – defines my relationship with my husband.

When I awoke from this dream, I was giddy – seriously, school girl giddy. Knowing you are supported and encouraged to take those scary steps forward, sharing the joy of accomplishments, feeling the respect and admiration through a smile – it makes the journey a little easier and whole lot more rewarding. I have that in Rich. I know that. I have always known that. But I had it very confused for so long.

Rich has always chased his dreams. He has always had a vision of the direction he wanted to take his business and pursued with intent. There were so many times during our journey that I felt frustrated with his laser beam focus revolving around the business he was building. I can absolutely say that I was jealous of his ability to put everything aside to focus on his dreams. As his wife and household manager of 4 busy kids, I was mostly just along for the ride. I was lost and couldn’t name what my own dreams were anymore. I blamed him for not being able to find my path for me. I wanted him to help me find where I was going or at least give me approval. I always felt like I needed that approval. The funny thing is, he always gave it to me. He encouraged every whim I had and supported me as I tried to find something that I was as passionate about as he was. The problem was, I was trying to find something that would help him. Help us. But never sought after the thing that would help me.

The past few years, I have been able to put things in perspective. Although he still works an obscene number of hours on the business and his clients, I see how well he is received in his industry and in our community. This is because he loves what he does. It was time for me to find what I loved – for me. No more jobs to make a couple more dollars (only to be redirected to additional childcare). No more searching for that dream job – whatever that may be. Once I rediscovered my passion for creativity through writing and design – I had a new understanding to why Rich did what he did.

There is so much truth to my dream. I am still stunned by my subconscious’s ability to bring it to life for me in such a profound manner. We have all been raised on the terms “other half”, “better half”, “behind every great man is a great woman”. These references led me to believe that as a couple, we needed to follow the path of the other. I am not sure I believe in all that anymore. My yoga instructor has a saying “feel the air around you, the ground beneath you, the breath within you” At times, Rich is all of this to me. When I am unstable, he is the rock that helps me find my footing, he is the breath of fresh air when life gets stuffy and full of obligation. I know I have the ability for all of this within myself, however he helps me find it when I struggle to tap into it on my own.

Do I consider myself his other half – absolutely not! Do I consider myself or him to be the “better half” – hell no! Am I the great woman behind this great man – NOPE! We are great side by side. It has taken me nearly 20 years to find my place beside my husband. To realize this is the way it is supposed to be. And man, we are so much stronger side by side than one behind the other. That smile of appreciation and support is all I need to propel me forward. I know my support for him has grown from frustration to a partnership – which I believe has led to growth within the family business (bonus).

So yes, this dream has certainly been lingering in my subconscious. I recognize the road we have travelled together, me clinging to Rich’s coattails as he chased his dreams. Not realizing I had it in me to take that journey on my own terms. And when I finally let go, the connection to my husband was still there as I sailed above him.

Just as in my dream, Rich and I continue to head in the same direction… together. We are just getting there in our own way. And we are happy. Truly happy. I want to keep this particular dream on repeat – it was a good one.

Now… about those purple whales????

Me and My Person Over the Years